Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

I am not writing this for sympathy or a response.

I could talk about so many things and issues at this point. For instance, I recently graduated from graduate school. I am now 25 years old, have three degrees and the job hunt is going on six grueling months. I took part in my first Critical Mass last Friday, and felt a rush as I joined hundreds upon hundreds of other bikers in a ride pulsing through the city’s veins and literally stopping traffic for three hours. What else? Local elections are in full bloom and Ben Hall’s campaign is a joke. Obamacare, U.S.-Iran relations, future vacations, and the list of potentials continues.

Unfortunately, all I can think about is how the past two months and ten days have been hell without her.

I have come to realize that there is nothing more devastating than a relationship not working because of little things that could have easily been resolved or prevented. It didn’t fail because someone fell out of love or you were polar opposites, but because you couldn’t get your shit together and you thought you had all the time in the world.

We always joked about how I should write a manual about her. I don’t have that much time, but I thought maybe I could narrow it down to the top things I would do differently. I am hoping that by getting this out into words, maybe they’d stop plaguing my every thought.

1.     If in 48 hours you aren’t going to remember what the argument was about, then it isn’t worth it. This is so much easier said than done. Also, if you are dating a Latina/Latino, this one is superduper vital. It took tons of meditation and reflection to realize that none of the arguments we had really mattered, and that I could have easily put my pride to the side and compromised. Really resolve the problems and really get past them. Don’t save them up to use as ammunition in the next argument.

2.     Write letters. Nothing beats a genuine hand-written letter. At the beginning, this was easy because we were in a long-distance relationship. Most times, it took me an extra 30 minutes to write her a letter because I wanted to do it in cursive. I look back over our letters and postcards, and it is really something to read just how crazy we were about each other. The writing slowed down my last semester of school and stopped completely once I moved back. If I could do it over, I would leave her little notes and letters taped to the smoothie I’d make her in the morning, in her apron pocket for work, or on the pillow before my run in the morning.

3.     Don’t get so jealous. You are with this person for a reason. Something attracted you to him/her and odds are that someone else will find it just as attractive. She is the most beautiful soul I ever met, and everyone is bound to fall in love with her at some point. She can’t help that smile and personality, and she was yours. She loved you. She chose you. You get to go home to your partner every day, so stop worrying about that infatuated coworker or friend she spends a little time with. It’s obvious who she’s with and she has never given you a reason to worry.

4.     Show and tell your love. Every. Damn. Day. I would make sure that she never questioned my feelings for her, because I would tell her and show her all the time. I wouldn’t assume that she must know since we live together and have already been together for two years.

5.     Support their dreams from start to finish, and don’t let them get distracted. She had a million and a half brilliant thoughts running through her mind about what she wanted to do. She wanted to cook, dance, travel, fight against human trafficking, get a bike with gears, open up her own refrescaria, paint, and so many other things. We would make lists upon lists of how to approach them and what we needed to do. A few days later we’d get distracted by the upcoming rent, having to pick up extra shifts, etc. If I could do it over, I would make sure that we followed through on every one of those things and motivate her every step of the way.

6.     Don’t let yourself go. My low point includes gaining almost 20 pounds after the start of graduate school and not caring even when I graduated. Also, I would make sure my eyebrows and legs were always taken care of, even in the winter.

7.     Take date night seriously. Delegate one night out of the week just to take her out and show her off. Staying at home and watching a movie would not count. Also, I would actually look for all the free events throughout town when money was tight, so no excuses.

8.     Learn how to dance. I mean, really learn how to dance. Sure, I would get up and dance whenever she asked me to (I would make a complete ass out of myself without hesitation), and I’d do a basic salsa with her, but I would learn how to spin and dip her. I would get good enough to where I could get out there and not have to look at my feet and count in my head the whole time. I would make sure that she was really enjoying herself and spend hours lost on the floor.

I held off on learning to dance, taking care of myself, letters, date nights, and dreams, because I thought we really had all the time in the world. I didn’t push myself to be better because I figured I could get started on it tomorrow, next week, or next month. I love her with everything that I am and she loved me for everything she knew I could be. In the end, she told me I was the one who broke her heart.

Now that I am in the future looking back, all these things seem so simple. Unfortunately, it took losing her for me to realize it.