This year, I want to read and write more, so here I go.
The responses to my last post made me realize that people
actually read what I write. As wonderful as this is, it also shows me that I
cannot just ramble on aimlessly and that there should be substance to what I write.
I acknowledge that my last blurb was a low point, and I
promise if you decide to stick around, it will be much more uplifting
from this point on. We’ll laugh, discover new places, disagree on things,
learn, love, cry a little, and grow. Why the hell not?
This post includes another bit from my memoir, and I decided
to call this chapter “Adventures in English.”
Enjoy.
--
Babajoon Buys Crack
Baba racks up points on a credit card that can be used in a
Sony Rewards Program. If he goes to the website and enters the final phrase
from Wheel of Fortune, he gets bonus points.
My grandfather, who will be referred to as Babajoon from
this point, has a very particular schedule, which includes watering the plants
twice a day, eating copious amounts of peanut butter mixed with honey, praying,
and watching YouTube videos featuring animals or babies. Well, eventually, Babajoon incorporated discovering the final phrase for
my dad into his daily routine.
Every weekday, when Babajoon’s alarm goes off, he will hurry
over to the TV and watch Wheel of Fortune for the final phrase. Once he reads
it, he will jot it down in his planner and he reports to Baba later on.
One day, as Baba was leaving my grandparents’ house,
Babajoon said, “Oh, I have the final phrase!”
Baba responded, “That’s right! Well, what is it?”
“Buy crack.”
“What?”
“Yes, buy… crack.”
“Buy crack?”
“Yes! Buy crack!”
At this point, Baba is thinking that the regulations on what
they put on television have gotten very lenient. While he processed everything,
Babajoon repeated “buy crack” in the background.
Finally, a confused Babajoon explained, “You know, where you
park your bicycle.”
“Bike rack. Oh my God. BIKE RACK.”
--
Como se Dice ‘Kayak’ en Español?
In Cancun, the resort we stayed at offered free activities
throughout the week, including kayaking at certain times.
After breakfast one day, we marched down to the beach and
Baba went ahead to wave down one of the employees. He approached the gentleman and
slowly said, “Excuse me, señor, do you know where the kayaks are?”
“Um. Ka-yak?”
“Oh, well you know… Uh… Kaaaayak.”
At this point, he began making motions from side to side
with an invisible paddle.
The gentleman shook his head and responded, “No comprendo…
Ka-yak?”
“Um… Kaaaaaayyyyyyaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkk…”
Baba began careening down an invisible river in his sturdy
invisible kayak, and steered with his equally invisible paddle while making
whooshing water sounds. He actually started sweating because of the anxiety and
his movements.
My mom, sister and I observed this spectacle from afar,
watching my dad gyrate in his slowly sinking kayak. I imagined this was what it
would be like to watch Ray Charles play charades with a mime.
After a few minutes of this madness, the guy laughed and
said, in perfect English, “The kayaks are right over here, man.”
--
Mamanjoon is Trying not to Give a Shit
My grandmother, who will be referred to as Mamanjoon from
this point, is a very sweet woman with boatloads of maternal instincts and an
incredible turnaround time for witty comebacks.
When you first meet her, you notice that she resembles
Grumpy Cat, and everyone wonders why she yells all the time. First off, I think
the permanent scowl resulted from raising four rowdy boys and having two bad
knees. Second, there is only loud and louder on that side of the family. We are
always shouting.
Also, it is important to note that Mamanjoon doesn’t speak
English. To this day, I still do not fully comprehend how she received her
citizenship. From what I understand, they told the system that she had a
learning impediment, which made her unable to study for the test. I suppose her
smile and continual nodding helped (she does this whenever cashiers talk to her).
My senile Uncle Jamal enjoys teaching Mamanjoon words and
telling her that it means something completely different.
One day, I came home from school and my uncle told Mamanjoon
to show me what she learned today. She said, “Chiyeh (what)? Ah, I… don’t… give
me no shit.”
“Nah. Behgoo (say) ‘I don’t give a shit.’”
“I… doon… give me a shit.”
“Nah. I don’t give a shit.”
“I… don’t… give… a… shit.”
“Afarin (bravo)!”
I don’t give me no shit.
That’s the only full English sentence Mamanjoon knows to
this day. Well, more recently, Jamal attempted to teach her, “You son of a
bitch, I don’t trust you.” For whatever reason, though, that one was much
harder for her to catch on to.
God Bless America.
--
Mothers Know Best
My mother is adorable and I love her to bits. However,
popular culture swept her away and now she uses literally in almost every
sentence in every wrong way possible. It drives me nuts.
Top instances where Mama used ‘literally’ incorrectly:
“He literally took the words out of my mouth.”
“In 15 minutes, I need you to, literally, take the banana
bread out of the oven and put it on the range, then turn off the oven.”
“I literally slept all day and night and afternoon.”
“I literally cannot stand when she does that.”
“This bread is literally too hot.”
My cousin came home and tried to figure out where her
parents had gone, especially since they were not answering their phones.
Finally, she received a text from her mom that said, “We are watching taking of
trains.”
Massi responded, “The Taking of Pelham 123?”
“YES”
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