MakeDamnSure

I've done gone and messed up my iliotibial band and legs, so I have been stranded in the house all day with nothing but a few conversations with friends and healing thoughts.

Bullshit.

I hate this. It was a beautiful day and all I wanted was to go cycling.

I spent 26 hours on a plane last week. I am exhausted, but cannot sleep most of the time. (Europe in 10 days!)

Anyways, I am moving to Syracuse to begin graduate school in two months. Still have yet to find a place to live, but I fell in love with campus and the program this past weekend.

Only one other student showed up for this master’s preview, and she was put on the waiting list for the program. She is from Palestine, optimistic and lovely. I wish the world for her.

Doctor Dennis immediately recognized my name from my personal statement. We began discussing the theories I proposed to research on, and he said no one had ever mentioned the spiral of silence before. He remembered my mom being from the Philippines and we talked of a variety of things, from Marjane Satrapi to Mexican food. It feels good to know that I have already established a comfortable relationship with one of my primary mentors.

What he told me next put everything into perspective. There are only 15 students in the public diplomacy program. That is all they admitted when the program first started four years ago, and that is all they admitted from the 90 applicants for 2011. The students study, work, publish an annual journal, organize guest speakers, travel abroad for internships, and so much else. I have yet to meet the 14 other students, but it is daunting to think that this is it for the next two years.

I am currently 22 years old. When I am 24, I will have my bachelor’s in communication with two master’s degrees, one in public relations and the other in international relations. I can have a doctorate by the time I am 27 if I wanted to. I am five pep talks away from making my decision on a PhD.

Regardless, April 30, 2011 is the day I decided that I, eventually, was bound to change worlds for the better. I am going to make a difference.

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On a side note, because I am leaving in a bit, I decided months ago that I would refrain from any serious relationships and just have fun. For the most part, I have been successful. The whole situation, however, has me thinking about my expectations in a significant other.

I am ambitious, pretty decent looking, intelligent to a certain extent... Needless to say, I have my head screwed on right, which is something that most people my age aren't able to claim. My family is extremely supportive and I have a lot to offer. It is extremely difficult for me, though, to find someone that is confident in who they are and has the ability to tolerate me.

I ran across some old photographs of my most recent ex on my laptop. We were together for about a year and a few months, with a two hour commute from one another, when she decided to break up with me days before my birthday. She decided that she ultimately couldn't be with a girl. The most recent news is that she has become the party girl that she always strived to be, continuing to idolize tanning and drinking, reality TV, and Lindsay Lohan. I am told that I dodged quite the bullet. I cannot help but think the same.

People tell me that I am too young to be worrying about all this, and I agree. BUTTTT I do fret a bit, regardless. I think it is because at my age, my parents had already been married for 4 years and I was a year old.

I have the rest of my life set, so why is this such a problem? I suppose a big part of it is that I have to meet my own expectations before subjecting anyone else to them. Also, there is the theory that I have gotten screwed over so many times that I subconsciously resent monogamous relationships.\

Oh well, I still have time and most of my wits.

The world is mine for the taking.

"Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong."

-Peter T. Mcintyre